put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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