On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
