Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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