he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
