i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
