I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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