where am i from again
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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