somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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