Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
