My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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