The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
