It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
