I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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