he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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