I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
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