ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
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I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
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I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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