i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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