You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
