Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
