just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
