I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
3pm strippers are depressing
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
