he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
