I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
