she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
