We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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