I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
