I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
