Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
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