I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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