after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
