I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
