Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
PANTIES FOUND
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