He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
