I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
