I've blown a few things in my day
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
