so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
