i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
soo... how was my night?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
