I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
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