In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
