Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
