I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
