Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
