After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
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A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
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How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
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