Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
