I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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