Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
is wine microwaveable?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
