She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
