Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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