I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
