Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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