no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
