I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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