My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
tequila makes me forget i have legs
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
