I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
